Perfectionism and self-criticism: how to loosen their grip

Many people who struggle with perfectionism do not think of themselves as perfectionists. They just feel that whatever they do is never quite enough. The report could have been better. The conversation could have gone more smoothly. The house should be tidier. Underneath it all runs a steady voice pointing out what went wrong.

If that sounds familiar, you are not unusual, and it is not a personal failing. Perfectionism and self-criticism are common, and they can be understood and gently changed. This article looks at what they are, how they keep each other going, and some small ways to loosen their hold.

High standards or perfectionism?

Caring about doing things well is healthy. High standards can bring pride, satisfaction and growth. The difference with perfectionism is less about the standard itself and more about how it feels to live with it.

Some signs that standards have tipped into perfectionism include:

• Your sense of worth rises and falls with how well you perform.
• Mistakes feel like proof that something is wrong with you, not just events that happen.
• Success brings brief relief rather than real satisfaction, and the bar quickly moves higher.
• You spend far longer on tasks than they need, or avoid starting them at all.
• You find it hard to accept praise, or you explain it away.

Perfectionism can show up in one area, such as work, appearance or parenting, or it can spread across most of life. It is not a diagnosis in itself, but it can sit alongside anxiety, low mood, eating difficulties or burnout.

The inner critic: where does it come from?

Most people have some kind of inner voice that comments on what they do. For some, it is mostly kind or neutral. For others, it is harsh, impatient or even cruel, saying things they would never say to a friend.

This critic usually develops for understandable reasons. It may have grown from:

• Growing up where love or approval seemed to depend on achievement or good behaviour.
• Being criticised, compared or shamed often as a child or young person.
• Experiences of bullying, or environments where mistakes were punished.
• Feeling that being 'perfect' was a way to stay safe, avoid conflict or feel in control when life was unpredictable.

Seen this way, the inner critic is often trying to protect you. It might believe that if it pushes hard enough, you will avoid rejection, embarrassment or failure. The trouble is that it tends to use fear and shame as its tools, and over time those wear you down.

How perfectionism keeps itself going

Perfectionism can be stubborn because it creates loops that seem to confirm its own rules. A few common patterns are worth recognising.

All-or-nothing thinking

Things are either perfect or a failure, with nothing in between. A presentation that went mostly well but included one stumble becomes 'a disaster'. This makes ordinary, good-enough results feel unacceptable.

Procrastination and avoidance

When the standard feels impossible, starting can feel unbearable. Putting things off reduces the anxiety for a while, but then time runs short, the result feels rushed, and the critic says, 'See, you can't cope.'

Over-preparing and checking

Re-reading an email ten times or rehearsing a conversation for hours can feel protective. When things then go fine, it is easy to believe it was only because of all that effort, so the habit grows.

Discounting the positives

Praise gets brushed aside ('they were just being nice'), and achievements get filed as 'what anyone would have done'. Meanwhile, every mistake is carefully remembered. Over time, this builds a lopsided picture of yourself.

Small ways to loosen the grip

Change does not usually come from forcing yourself to stop caring. It tends to come from small, repeated experiments that show you a different way is possible. You might try some of these:

1. Notice the critic's voice. Simply naming it can help: 'That's my inner critic again.' This creates a little distance between you and the thought, so it feels less like the truth.
2. Ask what you would say to a friend. If someone you care about made the same mistake, how would you speak to them? Try offering yourself a version of that, even if it feels awkward at first.
3. Set a 'good enough' standard in advance. Before a task, decide what a reasonable result looks like and how long it deserves. Then practise stopping there.
4. Run small experiments. Send an email after one read-through instead of five. Leave one small thing undone. Notice what actually happens, compared with what you feared.
5. Look for the middle ground. When you catch an all-or-nothing judgement, ask: 'What went well, what could be better, and what is somewhere in between?'
6. Keep a record of what goes right. A few notes at the end of the day about things you managed, enjoyed or handled well can help balance the critic's version of events.
7. Value effort and values, not just results. Ask what mattered to you in a task, such as kindness, honesty or curiosity, and whether you acted on that, whatever the outcome.

Expect this to feel uncomfortable. Doing things differently often brings a wave of anxiety at first. That is a normal part of changing a long-standing habit, not a sign you are doing it wrong.

Self-compassion is not letting yourself off the hook

A common worry is that if you stop criticising yourself, you will become lazy or careless. Many people with perfectionism believe their harshness is what keeps them going.

In practice, it often works the other way. Fear and shame can make it harder to try new things, learn from mistakes or keep going when something is difficult. A kinder, steadier inner voice can still hold you to standards. It just does so in the way a good coach or teacher would: honest about what needs work, but on your side.

Self-compassion means treating yourself with the same understanding you would offer someone you care about, especially when things go wrong.

This does not mean pretending everything is fine. It means recognising that struggle and imperfection are part of being human, and that you deserve support rather than punishment when you find things hard.

How therapy can help

Sometimes self-help is enough to take the edge off. But when perfectionism and self-criticism are deeply rooted, talking it through with a trained professional can make a real difference.

Different therapies approach this in different ways:

• Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) can help you spot perfectionist rules and thinking patterns, test them out with small experiments and build more flexible ways of responding. There are CBT approaches designed specifically for perfectionism.
• Compassion-focused approaches work directly with the inner critic, helping you understand its protective role and develop a kinder, more supportive inner voice.
• Person-centred and psychodynamic therapies can help you explore where your standards and self-judgement came from, and how earlier experiences still shape how you see yourself.

Research suggests talking therapies can help many people reduce perfectionism and self-criticism, though no single approach suits everyone. A good therapist will work with you to find what fits. It can also be reassuring to know that therapy is not something you have to do perfectly. Turning up as you are is enough.

When to seek support

It may be worth reaching out for help if perfectionism is affecting your sleep, relationships or work, if you feel constantly anxious or exhausted, or if the inner critic has become so loud that you feel low or hopeless much of the time. Talking to your GP is a good place to start, especially if you are also noticing changes in mood, eating or sleep.

If you are ever having thoughts of harming yourself or feel unable to keep yourself safe, please get help straight away. Online therapy is not an emergency service. In the UK you can call 999 in an emergency, call NHS 111, or contact Samaritans free on 116 123 at any time, day or night.

If you would like to explore this with someone, you can book a private video session with a BACP, NCPS or UKCP registered therapist through WebcamTherapy. However you choose to start, being a little gentler with yourself is a worthwhile place to begin, and it does not need to be done perfectly.